21st Century Family

What is drowning? Is it suffocating under water? Why do we use the term “keep your head above water?” …or, “I’m really drowning right now.” Although we generally associate it with being under water we also apply it to other areas. Can you spot a family member that is “drowning” in other ways? So many parents would jump right into a raging river to save their child or family member from physical drowning. Why is it then that when a person in your family can’t see clearly and is “drowning” in personal problems and pains of all types many parents won’t reach out a hand to help? In fact, many parents will throw a stone to that same drowning person trying to “help” because they simple don’t know what to do. What is the proverbial stone? It might be a mom or dad who leaves a family right when they are needed most. It might be parents who are too weak to grind it out and stay emotionally involved through the tough times when their children need them most. It might even be a parent who only knows how to be critical when all the child needs is a hug and a word of encouragement. Or it could be on the other end and the parents need to be firm and strong and provide tough love. Whatever the case, the common denominator is doing the “tough” thing.

Even if both parents are horrible communicators they can make a huge statement with just their presence and effort to engage.  The challenge to all of us parents  goes back to the “onionology” example of layers. How engaged are you? If you have multiple kids would you even be able to spot a son or daughter that is “drowning?” How do you engage your heart and everything that is within you to reach a hand to support and be that strong/safe hand a son can reach to when things are tough? Part of the problem here is that many boys and girls that never got a good example are now moms and dads trying to figure it out by themselves as they themselves are just trying to “keep their heads above water.” That is what this site is all about: “one parent reaching a hand to another parent to form a human chain with one foot on safe ground while the other hand reaches for the drowning sons and daughters.”

I know as my own children get older they will all struggle and have to deal with “issues/problems/pains”  that life will present them and my job is not to help them avoid the storm but to be there for them and walk through the storm with them. They are watching me and watching you and every other dad for how to handle life when the storms hit. No matter what type of upbringing you had you have an amazing chance to be that presence for your children!!

When their vision is blurred with pain and emotion and the waters are rising are you going to be the strong hand reaching in to help??

As I get older and begin to reflect a bit I often times notice that many of my “lifetime” memories came from within some type of inconvenience or hardship. A simple example of this is playing sports in bad weather. Most of my “special” sports memories came when I had to play a game in driving rain or mud or snow…the type of weather I now would not even want to be outside in…much less play sports. If not the weather I remember the times I had to overcome injury or overcome a situation with very poor odds of success (last second shots). The same could be said of even simple things like running out of gas or having your car break down. We recently went on a long trip and our car broke down which forced us to stay in an unfamiliar town for an entire day. Although I was super angry at first we made the most of it. We rented a car and went to a movie and a nice little town park and ended up having a great time and the kids still remember it to this day.

I find it amazing that two people looking at the exact same thing can have totally different perspectives. The old glass is half full analogy is perfect. If the glass is exactly filled to the half way mark, one person will see it as half full while another half empty. In our families this is extremely important. Parents get really upset about grades and sports performance until their child is in an accident or falls very ill. At that point the perspective shifts quickly to health being the only really important thing. What’s amazing is that what was an incredibly important issue the day before is no longer important at all. However, what is even more amazing is that after the health or emergency has faded the perspective shifts back to being worried about same unimportant things you were concerned about before the accident or illness. It’s pretty amazing because a perspective can actually shift back and forth quite quickly at times.

What are we teaching our kids about perspective? How do we teach them to see the glass is half full? For starters we know that kids learn from watching their parents so we have to look in the mirror at our own perspectives. Do we consistently see the positive in situations or the negative? If it’s negative, then we have to ask “why?” and would another “positive” person see the exact same situation in a positive light? I’m obviously wading into a complex issue with many layers but my encouragement today is to at least begin the journey and begin to really take the time to look at how you view things from several different “lenses” and start to make the choice to “shift” your perspective to the positive side. Don’t wait for an accident or illness to shift it for you!

Hope: the feeling that what is wanted can be had or that events will turn out for the best….to look forward to with desire and reasonable confidence…to believe, desire or trust. Antonyms: hopeless, despair.

Although the above definition really does a good job of making the role of hope all too clear I will try to expand on the issue a bit more. Without hope there is hopelessness and despair….the contrast is amazing. What provides hope depends upon what one longs for. For example, if a person hopes that events will turn out for the best what does that mean? As we dive into it a bit, we have to acknowledge there are obviously different levels. One person might hope that things turn out well getting their new car, while another person hopes things turn out well after they die from their terminal illness. However, no matter the circumstances it’s very critical that parents understand the role of hope in a child’s mind. They need to have hope for their situation and hope for things that will be solid and stable as they mature.  The reason for this is because when a child’s hope is based on something temporary, an event or circumstance can crush their hope. Common examples for young people are “sports hope” which can easily be crushed by injury or “romantic hope” that can easily be crushed by a breakup. If they have a solid foundation of hope built on things that won’t come and go….in these cases they will only fall so far. Test what is currently “hoped for” and test how solid it is….then cast a vision of hope for your family!!

In today’s culture the word “connect” is most likely used in relation to connecting one machine to another or a machine to the internet. If it is used in regard to human connection it’s typically speaking of a superficial connection. However, you do also hear it used to refer to the type of heart to heart connection that is special. It’s a given that there is an invisible element (unseen element) that really makes us up as human beings. When this invisible part of us truly connects to the invisible part of another human being it is a very special event. In a family we have opportunities to connect with people we love virtually every day. The art of communication is really the bridge that allows one heart to connect with another but there are many, many reasons why a heart is hard or easy to connect to (more on that later). Is it easy for you to relate to others in your family? Is it easy to connect? If not, be encouraged that you certainly can learn to connect and I’ll try to write much more on this in the future because the ability to connect with others (esp family members) is truly priceless.

I remember when training in college with a friend (who was a triathlete) and the subject of our 6 or 7 mile run came up. He mentioned in passing that it was common knowledge that the first mile is always the hardest. I was training yesterday and thinking about this and hit the mile to mile and half mark and it got amazingly easier. The “second wind” or whatever phrase you want to pick kicked in and I was on cruise control. The body didn’t hurt as much and settled into a rhythm. However, the first mile was tough. My legs were sore from running the day before and my body felt heavy, my breathing was difficult and it just felt like I was running uphill. The amazing thing was that my mind wanted to find a million reasons to stop and walk during the first mile. Excuses start to pour in: you’re too old for this, still too heavy, should let yourself recover more, just relax a bit and enjoy it, etc, etc. There are so many things in life like this. To heal relationships it takes this same mentality. You make a kind gesture or extend a hand to your spouse or friend that is rejected you want to pull back and quit. You try to get your budget back in line and then get slapped with a medical bill and thank “awe, screw it…we’ll never get caught up….what does it matter anyway.” You start to get back in shape and get hit with an illness or business trip that knocks you off your routine so you just let yourself slide again. There are countless examples of things in life that require the “First Mile Mentality.” Don’t make excuses, suck it up, fight through it and make yourself keep putting one foot in front of the other until you are through that first mile and you start to find a “rhythm” and things begin to ease back a bit. If you get knocked to the ground or you are forced to “restart” at the beginning just expect that the “first mile” will be tough. In healing relationships the “first mile” might be two years long or two months long but the mentality has to be the same……one foot in front of the other!!

Have you ever been stuck at a stoplight with your brakes on and the car in front of you begins to roll back into you. The first thing you do is push harder on the brakes to make sure you are not rolling forward. As I was running today with my boys we noticed a drain in the middle of this lake that appeared to be moving against the waves. The boys were convinced the drain was moving and it really did look like it was “swimming upstream” against the waves. It is interesting watch a solid object that will not budge in the middle of a stream….or a tree in a windstorm that won’t give in. In life there are so many things as we get older that require another level of fight and determination to overcome them. For example, a mother and father may really fight hard to get their house clean so they can relax and  then begin on the next “to do” item. The problem is that the rate at which the house is getting “trashed” is almost equal to the rate it was getting cleaned up. The person works their heart out only to realize the room they originally started in is already dirty…..and the cycle begins again. How many areas do we do this with? (diet/weight, spiritual lives, athletic training, etc). When you know there is a current against you the first thing you have to do is even out. You have to get to the point where you are “breaking even” and at least not giving up ground. If it’s your budget you have to stop to bleeding and get to a break even point every month. If it’s weight loss you have to even out your intake and what you’re burning. This step alone can bring people to the point of breaking (quitting) because they feel like they can’t get to the break even point and it becomes depressing. This is where friends/family and close people (team mates) can encourage you and help you keep up the fight to get to the break even point. Once you are holding firm you have a different perspective on the fight/battle and can prepare to launch into the next phase of actual movement “upstream” against the current. I will cover this in other blog posts but being able to actually create movement upstream is an “over and beyond” mentality that most people simply don’t have for one reason or another.

“Tyranny: arbitrary or unrestrained exercise of power; despotic abuse of authority”

What is truly “urgent” in your life? Is urgency defined by the moment? Is it defined by circumstance? All of the above? All too often “urgent” circumstances or events dictate our lives and priorities. Instead of being proactive and seeking our priorities and purpose we simply “react” and address the “urgent.” Once this pattern has been repeated (often for years and years) it leads to a life that is often times simply an attempt to “keep our head above water” or “keep up with the Jones’s” rather than a life of purpose and fulfillment. A great way to test your ability to determine what should truly be “urgent” in your life is this. Ask yourself the following question: “In five or ten years I will be so thankful that I invested so much time, energy, etc. into ______” Then do the same thing with retirement age: “When I’m at retirement age and reflecting on what I’ve done to that point I will be so thankful that I invested my time, energy, etc. into ______”   The final question is to ask yourself if this is actually what currently motivates and drives you on a day by day basis.

Does productivity make you a stiff/wooden family or does it enable you to experience more in life? The first question to ask is, “What is productivity?” To start off with to be productive you have to produce. To measure what one produces you generally try to measure output. For example: “I was able to accomplish 20 tasks today which allowed me to close out two projects and get started on two more” …or: “I got completely caught up on laundry, did the dishes, made the kids lunch, took each kid to their activity / etc / etc.” In general it seems there is a perception that people who are great list makers and “action” people are the most productive. However, this all depends on “what” you are measuring! Highly relational people might not get as many tasks completed because they are “tuned in” to a kids need to communicate about something. This person might stop what they are doing right then and there because they realize the value of the moment. This requires a vision for the unseen. If a kid is hurting inside (unseen) and his/her body language has changed subtly (the only clue you might get) but they are trying to hide it…a quick question might draw out a flood of conversation. The person trying to get through 10 tasks may not notice the subtle changes in body language or take the time to ask the question and listen to the response. Why? …because it will make them feel “less” productive!! The question then becomes, “which way do I want to err?” I know I’ll never be perfectly balanced but I want to err on the side of _____. In my case I know I have to strive for balance but I always want to err on the side of family and relationships. There are so many times that a teachable moment or a sharing moment with a spouse or friend just happens in the middle of “quantity time.” When you are busy it takes being proactive to schedule “quantity time.”  How can you increase your “relational productivity?”

It’s very interesting for me to watch people play the lottery and gamble and “dream of hitting the jackpot.” There is this dream of cars/money/women/lifestyles/etc…whatever the persons desires are…the jackpot could make it all happen. In the old Indian Jones movies there was always a big search for some type of treasure…it varied from movie to movie but the theme was the same. The villians in those movies were often hooked on the idea that the hidden treasure could do something super special for them…make them rich/grant them special powers/etc. There is a great irony in life that when a parent has a child they have hit the jackpot…period. Our “lenses” may not allow us to truly view them as that but that is exactly what they are….priceless treasures beyond a valuation!! The problem is related to my other post “Vision for the Unseen”…we may not be able to view the treasure for what it is (we don’t have money now/we don’t have structure now/etc) Every day with your children is a gift…a priceless gift and opportunity to connect and embrace a jackpot that you’ve already won and is right under your roof!