21st Century Family

“For the past four decades, family scholars have been engaged in an often intense debate about the
changing place of marriage in American family life. One side—let’s call it “concerned” or pro-mar-
riage—has argued that the decline in marriage has been a troubling trend with demonstrably neg-
ative consequences for families, and children in particular. The other side—call it “sanguine” or
pro-family diversity—has argued that families haven’t necessarily been weakened by divorce and
unwed childbearing and that the negative impact on children has been exaggerated. Divorce and
unwed childbearing are the family structures through which most children experience fatherless-
ness and father absence.

This academic dispute has had serious implications for society. Many Americans have been questioning the importance of marriage, and the rift among scholars has allowed both progressives and traditionalists to claim that the experts are on their side. Over the past 20 years, have leading scholars reached a consensus on marriage? ”

Read the Entire Article: Read More

I grew up directly within this time frame and experienced two divorces and the associated effects. During graduate school I read studies that really tried hard to make the point that structure didn’t matter and divorce was not harmful to children. They always seemed to try to use a minor sample segment of the study (like cases of abuse) to try to make their point. It’s great to see that research is now finally pointing out what I have always held to be true from both a research and personal perspective. Please understand that it does matter and sometimes doing the tough thing is just hanging in there for your children.

Here is the conclusion:

“Reviewing articles in the Journal of Marriage and Family, we find that an apparent majority of
scholars have come to believe that family structure matters, and matters to an important extent, for
children. This widespread agreement has emerged, in large part, because scholars have amassed a
wealth of data on the subject, and the data support such concern.”

Encouragement: Please learn and recognize trouble points in your marriage and take action before things get too far down the wrong path. Understand that it DOES matter and research backs this up now so hang in there and do some hard work. Ask the question: What does our “structure” look like in our family? What can you do to make sure your family has a strong foundation and overall structure? What would this look like? How can you build or repair it?

“Parents and children might rush through their days in different directions, but the American family is as tight-knit as in the last generation — or more so — because of the widespread use of cellphones and the Internet, according to a new poll.

In what was described as the first detailed survey of its kind, released yesterday, researchers reported that family life has not been weakened, as many had feared, by new technology. Rather, families have compensated for the stress and hurry of modern life with cellphone calls, e-mail and text messages and other new forms of communication.

“There had been some fears that the Internet had been taking people away from each other,” said Barry Wellman, a sociology professor at the University of Toronto and one of the authors of the report, published by the Pew Internet and American Life Project. “We found just the opposite.”

Link to Washington Post Article: Read More

I’ll try to get into a critique on modern social science research in another post (don’t know if anyone reading these would enjoy that or not?). There is no doubt that technology is good in many ways. Technology allows us to communicate in a variety of ways with people we love and opens up new avenues for us that were not possible in the past. However, I’m always very wary of research that quotes a recent finding with a real test from within history. To present an overly simplified conclusion that “we found just the opposite” with regard to the Internet further pulling people away from each other is overly simplistic. Why? Because we are primarily holding this up in contrast to recent time periods with equal or greater disconnectedness?  There is no way I can do justice to this argument in a short post but if people ask for it I’ll do a deeper dive. The bottom line is the quote above mentions “compensating for the stress and hurry of modern life….” and technology as the antidote or band-aid to fix the problem. After reading the above article I’m completely in agreement that technology can help bring families together in some ways to compensate for some systemic relational dysfunction inherent in today’s modern culture. However, I’m totally not in agreement with presenting a misleading conclusion that does not do a deeper dive (mentioned above) into some of the other issues at hand. What do you think?

Encouragement: Take a look at your family and decide if technology is “bringing your family together” and then ask the question “how and why?” Are there other options to strengthen your family you can take? If not, what is the best combination of technology use and face to face interpersonal time?

In graduate school I once taught a Life Span Development class where different phases of life were broken out and categorized. It was interesting to teach about a phase like the “empty nest” phase which is characterized by the quietness of a house when the last child is gone. Because I did not have any children at the time, it would have been impossible for me to imagine the “wonderful noise” a house of three boys would create in the future. I had no paradigm to “contrast” one setting against another but I learned some great lessons from this type of thinking. I will use a running race analogy, because there are clear cut phases and it’s easy to illustrate. When you run a mile you have “splits” measured when you complete each lap around the track (x4). You have your starting lap, two middle laps, and then the final lap. You don’t run the first lap the same way you would run the last lap and vice-versa. Each race will have new variables (different winds, runners, temp, etc) and may require you to tweak your strategy a bit.

Life has many variables but our bodies have a definite starting and ending point. What makes this race tricky is that we don’t know when it will end. We do know certain variables and we know that when those variables are in place you are in a “phase.” For example, when you have three children you will be busy during a “child rearing” phase that will be quite busy and chaotic at times (with lots of change mixed in). Like the picture at the right, you need to be able to not only recognize the bigger phase you are in but also the “ups and downs” that will occur within that phase.

Although technology and our current culture has changed many things, it hasn’t changed some of the basics associated with many life phases. One of the biggest challenges to parents today is using their time wisely for the stage they are in. For example, understand that when your child is in the “just mobile” phase and really starts to move around you might as well hold your breath for a year or two because it’s going to be crazy! The nice part is that when you know you are in a phase you can relax and know that the pressure will ease up. In the case of the “just mobile” kid you can almost see it getting a bit easier with each month that passes as they get a little bit more independent (and of course ups and downs along the way).

Encouragement: Take a family inventory and try to correctly identify which phase you are currently in. Are you investing your time well for this phase? What could you do better to take advantage of this phase?

Most families tend to develop traditions as the years go by and a common tradition is a “movie night.” I love to get pizza and sit down with the kids for a Friday night movie. I’ve already had some priceless memories of movie night with the boys because they love to get up after every movie and dance with the soundtrack (esp my 3yr old) and pretend to be the characters we just watched. Recently, we watched Madagascar 2 and our whole family was just cracking up at Moto Moto. It was priceless to watch my boys run around after the movie singing, “I like em big, I like em chunky” and trying to flex their pecs:)

It’s so great to have traditions that bring the entire family together. I know for some families it’s water skiing or playing a sport. It can be difficult to find something that spans across all ages and works well for both boys and girls, but it’s extremely important.

What are your favorite traditions? What traditions could you create to help bring everyone together?

The standard answer to this type of question usually goes something like this: “…every family is different and every person is different so who the heck knows??” Although there is certainly truth to that statement I think it’s a question worth looking into because its an area that is increasingly affecting us all. It used to be that we looked at how much TV a person watched and that was a good indicator of how “plugged in” they were. We would often hear statistics thrown out about the average kids media consumption and be amazed. In fact, so amazed, that we dismissed the reports as not being applicable to us. These questions have gotten much more complicated now. Today the cell phone has become a computer that is always connected to high speed Internet. This alone allows a person to be virtually connected pretty much anywhere they go. Now, add to this the fact that the same cell phone is also a TV and a music player and the picture becomes a bit more clear. None of the other forms of media have disappeared: TV, Radio, Print (Newspapers/Magazines/etc), Billboards, etc. We continue to create new and creative means of media distribution and I think the first step to answering the question above is to simply become aware of the types of media we are surrounded by and begin to audit what our level is. Using a little “onionology” we can at least begin to look at the first layer and perhaps peel it back and begin to take some steps toward being a bit more proactive and aware of what is going on.

In a generation that connects through technology, it’s difficult to imagine a time in which this wasn’t possible. I remember when I was a teen and computers were just starting to get usable on a personal level for super simple tasks like keeping track of records or playing text based games. Cell phones did not exist in my early childhood.  A pmp (portable media player) was essentially a boom box that played the radio or cassettes. Considering I’m not even 40 yrs old, and I sound like a grandfather saying that, it tells you how fast things are changing. I currently carry an iPhone, use social media, and spend countless hours behind a computer. I love the fact that technology allows me to stay connected to friends and loved ones scattered all around the county!! The problem is that texting and using social media and “friends” that are social media based, can really take time away from investing in real “face to face” relationships…at times, relationships right in your own home. If you spend too much time behind the computer or on your cell phone, you will miss some of those valuable “bonding or teaching moments” that occur in random spots. Only you really know how much time in your day is allocated toward what, but a good judge is just to look around at the results within your current family relationships. Are you close? Do you spend a lot of time together in actual conversations (not telling them to do something or super short exchanges)? Do you know how to have a real conversation that lasts over 30 min? Then ask yourself technology based questions. Do you spend over 30 min at a time on the computer? Do you feel “close” to the people you know online? It’s not rocket science where I’m going with this, so you be the judge and make changes accordingly!! As you make adjustments just remember that big changes are usually a result of lots and lots of little changes strung together.

Instead of writing a post tonight I decided it was past due that I write a little something about myself. I do want people to know who I am and why I’m doing this so please read my profile and feel free to shoot me a note if you enjoy the blog. I’m very, very new to this and hope that my effort to put some of this out there is of some value. Please go to the about me section to read more…

Oh yeah, I also have more ideas than I know what to do with and my latest efforts will be to refine the Dad2Son blog to be much more specific to that particular subject and 21 family to that subject. Right now there is more overlap than will be the case after I refine my system a bit more. Thanks for bearing with me as I learn and grow with this!

Technorati Profile

Do a quick search of the definition of “heart” and you will get all kinds of information. One location I referenced listed 17 different definition variations. When you then begin to mix in numerous slight variations of these definitions is quickly adds up to over 50 and then on and on it goes. The word “heart” is almost a tough word to use anymore because it’s been used for so many things. If you’ve read any of my other posts you know I like to pull out a quick dictionary definition to create a quick reference and starting point. Tonight I’m just going to use my own for heart because I’ve spent countless hours thinking on this: “the innermost central/core invisible part of every human that is the base of their will, emotion, intellect, values and courage.” Please know that I include the intellect or “mind” within the term heart because I don’t think you can accurately pull the two apart. We use terms/words to try to wrap our heads around invisible realities we all know exist and describe them to one another. The problem is that one persons definition my be slight (or entirely) different than another person. Add to this problem the fact that you can’t “see” this part of us…only the effects….and accurately defining this “unseen element” becomes even more complex. For the sake of this post and all my other posts please know I will use the term heart according to the definition above.

After we know we are talking about this “invisible core” and not just emotion, we can move on to terms like “heavy heart” and “broken heart” or “deceptive heart.” I’ve decided to create a new category called “Heart: Core Studies” because I’ll have to continue to revisit this topic over and over.

What is a student: “any person who studies, investigates, or examines thoughtfully: a student of ______.

When I think of a “student” the picture that comes to mind is that of a young adult sitting in a large library with super high ceilings. This student would essentially be surrounded by lots and lots of books. There would be books of all shapes and sizes on the large table he is studying at and there would be very high shelves around the entire building.

What if we could walk into a library like this and find rows and rows of data on our loved ones? We could gain deep insights into what they love and why. We could learn every single nuance about the way to properly communicate with them. All in all, you would have an invaluable road map to relate to every single person in your family. Then, in the next section of the library there would be a large area devoted specifically to the “how to” of interaction between all these various people in your family unit.  For example, how to best deal with situation “X” when these two siblings are together.

I’m going to rule out the parents that are simply too lazy or uninterested in their family to work at learning and assume there is at least a “desire to learn” present for the sake of this post.

There are three primary things that jump out at me with regard to being a good student: humility, desire and discipline.

Without humility a person won’t even realize they need to learn anything (I already know everything I need….or, it’s good enough). If they are humble and see the need then they might have a burning desire to do something about it and take action. Finally, they will need great discipline and endurance because of the hard work involved and the length of time it will take to learn such an ever changing set of variables. (I will try to break down these different elements in another post)

When I think about the amount of media my kids are exposed to in our culture today it makes my head spin. It’s really amazing to think that a kid today can pretty much go from day to day without any real “down time” from electronics. Cell phones today give young people a full blown multimedia experience right in their pockets. The “always connected” mentality lays a foundation for the years to come. When I think of the speed of our activities/schedules/technology it’s no wonder our children can’t just automatically hit the pause button when we are ready to connect. Dad/Mom: “…but, but, I scheduled some quality time in my super schedule!!!” Child: “sorry dad….excuse me for a sec….gotta take this!” Today, we have to schedule “quantity time” and make sure electronics are nowhere to be found and hope that “quality time” will occur as we do our best to work at it.

For years we spend time trying to run ourselves ragged while our kids beg for our time. Then when they are older we have no foundation from which to really engage them. It is so easy to overlook the amount of “suck it up” and “work” it takes to really invest properly in a relationship with your child.

Can you envision yourself able to grab an ice cream or drink and sit down on a bench in a silent area and just have fun talking? If not…why not? It is never too late to show your child you are trying to relate to him/her and want a relationship!!