Are all of these things essential or simply optional? It depend on what you are looking for. If the soil in the home does not provide nutrition for your family it will become malnourished and growth will become stunted. Many people then try to make themselves look good on the outside to others but know that real growth on the inside is not going very good. If there is no stability in the home and a storm comes the family can have real problems and have real root system problems or become uprooted. The problem here is that uprooted trees are everywhere but the root system is rarely looked at. You might not even see the real results of a damaged root system until much later in life. Again, if you are only looking at the outside you might occasionally see things that clue you in or you might not. Families in the 21st century are very good at simply “plugging in” or hiding any issues so that things look good on the outside. The problem is that the “rug sweeping” only lasts for so long because the roots will continue to weaken and eventually a storm will come in some form or another and expose the root problems.

I go back again to the ability to communicate because without great communication it’s very hard to monitor the root system properly. Great communication will allow you to know when to prop up a metal bar to allow your family to re-establish some healthy roots. It will also allow you to see when watering is needed and when a bit of shelter is needed to brace for a coming storm.

Encouragement: Imagine that the unseen part of your family system is a root system. Now imagine all the things in our 21st century world that speak to or affect your family (including you) and take an inventory of how healthy or not healthy you think this “ground/soil” is. Is your communication good enough to really know what the system looks like? Form an action item list to get involved in proper care of the root system.

Life has many variables but our bodies have a definite starting and ending point. What makes this race tricky is that we don’t know when it will end. We do know certain variables and we know that when those variables are in place you are in a “phase.” For example, when you have three children you will be busy during a “child rearing” phase that will be quite busy and chaotic at times (with lots of change mixed in). Like the picture at the right, you need to be able to not only recognize the bigger phase you are in but also the “ups and downs” that will occur within that phase.

Although technology and our current culture has changed many things, it hasn’t changed some of the basics associated with many life phases. One of the biggest challenges to parents today is using their time wisely for the stage they are in. For example, understand that when your child is in the “just mobile” phase and really starts to move around you might as well hold your breath for a year or two because it’s going to be crazy! The nice part is that when you know you are in a phase you can relax and know that the pressure will ease up. In the case of the “just mobile” kid you can almost see it getting a bit easier with each month that passes as they get a little bit more independent (and of course ups and downs along the way).

Encouragement: Take a family inventory and try to correctly identify which phase you are currently in. Are you investing your time well for this phase? What could you do better to take advantage of this phase?

Most families tend to develop traditions as the years go by and a common tradition is a “movie night.” I love to get pizza and sit down with the kids for a Friday night movie. I’ve already had some priceless memories of movie night with the boys because they love to get up after every movie and dance with the soundtrack (esp my 3yr old) and pretend to be the characters we just watched. Recently, we watched Madagascar 2 and our whole family was just cracking up at Moto Moto. It was priceless to watch my boys run around after the movie singing, “I like em big, I like em chunky” and trying to flex their pecs:)

It’s so great to have traditions that bring the entire family together. I know for some families it’s water skiing or playing a sport. It can be difficult to find something that spans across all ages and works well for both boys and girls, but it’s extremely important.

What are your favorite traditions? What traditions could you create to help bring everyone together?

“Our brains employ all kinds of tricks and shortcuts to get us through the day with the least mental and physical effort, but it is good to be wary of these automatic judgments. If unchecked, our tendency to confuse thoughts and actions can make dubious choices seem easier and more desirable than they ought to be, or it can discourage us from healthy habits and creative exploration.” Read entire article

It never ceases to amaze me when I read an article like this. It reminds me just how much we are like sheep and how much our arrogance can blind us. Do we even see and notice so many things that affect us and affect our families (like font). We assume we are nothing like sheep and so intellectually superior that we are always pro active and in control of our environment. The study above only controlled and tested for one small variable (font) and the affects were great. How much more then can we assume the amazing amount of media exposure affects our families?? Are fonts and thousands of other minor details not controlled to deliver messages on a regular basis??? On the flip side of this…how much can clear communication from family member to family member help? How much more clearly can understanding how we communicate help our home? We will explore ways to communicate more clearly in future posts.

Encouragement: Do something difficult….unplug and take a journey to understanding how different things as little as a font can affect your life and affect your family!

Obviously as a parent there are many times that a child simply has to respect and obey no matter what. In this post I’m going to assume that is a given for obvious safety reasons and such. However, what I’m trying to point out is that the WAY we approach these situations (humility or arrogance) can and will shape our ability to influence our children, as they grow older.

Onionology: The observation and analysis of invisible layers.

People often use the analogy of an onion to describe the simple concept of multiple layers. I’ll jump on that bandwagon a bit now and carry it over into the unseen. Envision if you will multiple “onionesque” layers surrounding a person. A “layer” in this analogy is a barrier of some type…often constructed by those that feel they need protection of some kind. Each of these layer variations has been constructed year after year based on the experiences/learning and situations of that particular person. Some people are wired to push toward being “layer free” and easily strip away layer after layer. Others will rapidly build a new layer at the slightest sign of a problem because it makes them feel safe and secure. To one group a layer might feel like protection while another group might feel smothered. These “layers”, their presence, as well as their construction, are usually not noticed or looked for. However, like the wind, you can see their effects (more on effects in another post). It reminds me of several movies in which something is invisible (a person or bridge/etc) and another person is trying to expose them. In all cases the person trying to “see” will use whatever is necessary (dirt or dust/paint/smoke/etc) to expose/see what they can’t see.

In a family things get super complex because there are generally multiple people (Mom/Dad/kids) and each has his/her own type and quantity of layer/s. When each person then tries to engage another member of the family with conversation they run into a complex maize of barriers they don’t even know exist. As family members communicate it’s like throwing around sand or paint and  slight details begin to emerge (a picture begins to form). If no communication is present, the layers can remain hidden indefinitely. Begin the road to great communication and connecting well with others by simply beginning to communicate more and practice at it (but make sure you communicate primarily with encouragement) and learn to “see” the outlines as they form.

I find it amazing that two people looking at the exact same thing can have totally different perspectives. The old glass is half full analogy is perfect. If the glass is exactly filled to the half way mark, one person will see it as half full while another half empty. In our families this is extremely important. Parents get really upset about grades and sports performance until their child is in an accident or falls very ill. At that point the perspective shifts quickly to health being the only really important thing. What’s amazing is that what was an incredibly important issue the day before is no longer important at all. However, what is even more amazing is that after the health or emergency has faded the perspective shifts back to being worried about same unimportant things you were concerned about before the accident or illness. It’s pretty amazing because a perspective can actually shift back and forth quite quickly at times.

What are we teaching our kids about perspective? How do we teach them to see the glass is half full? For starters we know that kids learn from watching their parents so we have to look in the mirror at our own perspectives. Do we consistently see the positive in situations or the negative? If it’s negative, then we have to ask “why?” and would another “positive” person see the exact same situation in a positive light? I’m obviously wading into a complex issue with many layers but my encouragement today is to at least begin the journey and begin to really take the time to look at how you view things from several different “lenses” and start to make the choice to “shift” your perspective to the positive side. Don’t wait for an accident or illness to shift it for you!

Synonyms: embolden, hearten, reassure , urge, support, aid, help (…to build up)

Antonyms: discourage, dishearten. (…to tear down)

Communication is a very complex issue that involves a host of variables. We use both verbal and non-verbal means to communicate a variety of messages. There are times we communicate things we did not mean to communicate. When we use our words and actions to build others up it can have amazing power. When a smile is combined with some words that are used specifically to “hearten, support,help….inspire with hope/courage”….it moves into the unseen realm quickly. The words above (mostly pulled from a generic online dictionary) refer to things like “hope, courage, hearten”…..all making reference to critical unseen realities we all take for granted are a part of our world. It is amazingly simple to do but it’s equally amazing how rare it is to find people that are genuine “encouragers”. Are you an encourager? …do you regularly build others up? If not, ask yourself why and try to make it a point to intentionally encourage someone and try to build them up.

What is truly “urgent” in your life? Is urgency defined by the moment? Is it defined by circumstance? All of the above? All too often “urgent” circumstances or events dictate our lives and priorities. Instead of being proactive and seeking our priorities and purpose we simply “react” and address the “urgent.” Once this pattern has been repeated (often for years and years) it leads to a life that is often times simply an attempt to “keep our head above water” or “keep up with the Jones’s” rather than a life of purpose and fulfillment. A great way to test your ability to determine what should truly be “urgent” in your life is this. Ask yourself the following question: “In five or ten years I will be so thankful that I invested so much time, energy, etc. into ______” Then do the same thing with retirement age: “When I’m at retirement age and reflecting on what I’ve done to that point I will be so thankful that I invested my time, energy, etc. into ______”   The final question is to ask yourself if this is actually what currently motivates and drives you on a day by day basis.