Life has many variables but our bodies have a definite starting and ending point. What makes this race tricky is that we don’t know when it will end. We do know certain variables and we know that when those variables are in place you are in a “phase.” For example, when you have three children you will be busy during a “child rearing” phase that will be quite busy and chaotic at times (with lots of change mixed in). Like the picture at the right, you need to be able to not only recognize the bigger phase you are in but also the “ups and downs” that will occur within that phase.

Although technology and our current culture has changed many things, it hasn’t changed some of the basics associated with many life phases. One of the biggest challenges to parents today is using their time wisely for the stage they are in. For example, understand that when your child is in the “just mobile” phase and really starts to move around you might as well hold your breath for a year or two because it’s going to be crazy! The nice part is that when you know you are in a phase you can relax and know that the pressure will ease up. In the case of the “just mobile” kid you can almost see it getting a bit easier with each month that passes as they get a little bit more independent (and of course ups and downs along the way).

Encouragement: Take a family inventory and try to correctly identify which phase you are currently in. Are you investing your time well for this phase? What could you do better to take advantage of this phase?

Most families tend to develop traditions as the years go by and a common tradition is a “movie night.” I love to get pizza and sit down with the kids for a Friday night movie. I’ve already had some priceless memories of movie night with the boys because they love to get up after every movie and dance with the soundtrack (esp my 3yr old) and pretend to be the characters we just watched. Recently, we watched Madagascar 2 and our whole family was just cracking up at Moto Moto. It was priceless to watch my boys run around after the movie singing, “I like em big, I like em chunky” and trying to flex their pecs:)

It’s so great to have traditions that bring the entire family together. I know for some families it’s water skiing or playing a sport. It can be difficult to find something that spans across all ages and works well for both boys and girls, but it’s extremely important.

What are your favorite traditions? What traditions could you create to help bring everyone together?

“Our brains employ all kinds of tricks and shortcuts to get us through the day with the least mental and physical effort, but it is good to be wary of these automatic judgments. If unchecked, our tendency to confuse thoughts and actions can make dubious choices seem easier and more desirable than they ought to be, or it can discourage us from healthy habits and creative exploration.” Read entire article

It never ceases to amaze me when I read an article like this. It reminds me just how much we are like sheep and how much our arrogance can blind us. Do we even see and notice so many things that affect us and affect our families (like font). We assume we are nothing like sheep and so intellectually superior that we are always pro active and in control of our environment. The study above only controlled and tested for one small variable (font) and the affects were great. How much more then can we assume the amazing amount of media exposure affects our families?? Are fonts and thousands of other minor details not controlled to deliver messages on a regular basis??? On the flip side of this…how much can clear communication from family member to family member help? How much more clearly can understanding how we communicate help our home? We will explore ways to communicate more clearly in future posts.

Encouragement: Do something difficult….unplug and take a journey to understanding how different things as little as a font can affect your life and affect your family!

Obviously as a parent there are many times that a child simply has to respect and obey no matter what. In this post I’m going to assume that is a given for obvious safety reasons and such. However, what I’m trying to point out is that the WAY we approach these situations (humility or arrogance) can and will shape our ability to influence our children, as they grow older.

Onionology: The observation and analysis of invisible layers.

People often use the analogy of an onion to describe the simple concept of multiple layers. I’ll jump on that bandwagon a bit now and carry it over into the unseen. Envision if you will multiple “onionesque” layers surrounding a person. A “layer” in this analogy is a barrier of some type…often constructed by those that feel they need protection of some kind. Each of these layer variations has been constructed year after year based on the experiences/learning and situations of that particular person. Some people are wired to push toward being “layer free” and easily strip away layer after layer. Others will rapidly build a new layer at the slightest sign of a problem because it makes them feel safe and secure. To one group a layer might feel like protection while another group might feel smothered. These “layers”, their presence, as well as their construction, are usually not noticed or looked for. However, like the wind, you can see their effects (more on effects in another post). It reminds me of several movies in which something is invisible (a person or bridge/etc) and another person is trying to expose them. In all cases the person trying to “see” will use whatever is necessary (dirt or dust/paint/smoke/etc) to expose/see what they can’t see.

In a family things get super complex because there are generally multiple people (Mom/Dad/kids) and each has his/her own type and quantity of layer/s. When each person then tries to engage another member of the family with conversation they run into a complex maize of barriers they don’t even know exist. As family members communicate it’s like throwing around sand or paint and  slight details begin to emerge (a picture begins to form). If no communication is present, the layers can remain hidden indefinitely. Begin the road to great communication and connecting well with others by simply beginning to communicate more and practice at it (but make sure you communicate primarily with encouragement) and learn to “see” the outlines as they form.

Synonyms: embolden, hearten, reassure , urge, support, aid, help (…to build up)

Antonyms: discourage, dishearten. (…to tear down)

Communication is a very complex issue that involves a host of variables. We use both verbal and non-verbal means to communicate a variety of messages. There are times we communicate things we did not mean to communicate. When we use our words and actions to build others up it can have amazing power. When a smile is combined with some words that are used specifically to “hearten, support,help….inspire with hope/courage”….it moves into the unseen realm quickly. The words above (mostly pulled from a generic online dictionary) refer to things like “hope, courage, hearten”…..all making reference to critical unseen realities we all take for granted are a part of our world. It is amazingly simple to do but it’s equally amazing how rare it is to find people that are genuine “encouragers”. Are you an encourager? …do you regularly build others up? If not, ask yourself why and try to make it a point to intentionally encourage someone and try to build them up.

At what point does truth become a half-truth and at what point does a lie become a half-lie? Is there such a thing as a half-lie? If it’s one percent lie…do you call it a lie? I had to take about 45 min to earnestly discuss an issue that occured between two of our boys. Their mom witnessed one of them put his hand on the smaller brothers head and shove it away….hmmmm. Seems pretty straight forward to all people witnessing the event and everyone except the perp/offender. It was very, very interesting for me to dig my heals in and prepare to strip this scene down to a bare truth. Fortunately I knew I had witnesses (my wife) and felt like it would be a good teaching opportunity for my boy. After wrangling around a bit to get his side of the story it came out like this: ” I accidentally brushed his head as I was turning around”  Witness: “your entire hand was on his head” Hmmmm….Next try: “I did put my hand on his head but it was totally accidental to shove forward” Hmmmm…Witness: “it looked like you intentionally pushed his head back.”  OK, let’s break this down to the facts: “Did you or did you not place your hand on his head…yes or no.” Defendant: “Yes”  OK, now we’re getting somewhere. Can you agree that putting your hand on his head was not necessary and wrong…..after lots of additional back and forth and discussion it became very apparent that he had fully convinced himself that he was not wrong at all. Only by sticking to the “truth” …in this case the “truth” was that he did in fact put his hand on his little brothers head and it was unecessary and wrong. By bringing in additional variables or adding on to the base truth he was able to convince himself what he did was right. He could look you in the eye and lie without problem by focusing on the “truth” in his mind. A “half truth” is generally used to describe something that contains some element of truth. Hmmmm….at what point does the scale begin to tip one way or the other…slightly toward being a “lie” or slightly toward being a “truth”…is it 51/49 either way…do you then call it a “lie” or “truth.” Some people might even say that there is no “truth” because truth is defined by perception (I personally think this position is very simplistic/shortsighted) . Many of the most effective lies are half truths that contain mostly truth and then slightly distort that truth for one reason or another….making it much more difficult to spot/expose. In the example above I dug in around a truth that he was not able to deny (his hand was on the head) we then had an anchor point to work from and expose or work through other variables surrounding that truth. No matter what was discussed from that point forward it did not change the original “truth” about that situation. The problem with a half truth is that jails, rehabs, and cemeteries are full of people that learn to alter basic truths by building supporting evidence on top of that truth and creating a “lie.” Even when caught many of these people are still completely and utterly convinced they are right and everyone else is wrong. What half – truths might you be clinging to that are affecting your family??